Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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