I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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