remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
