first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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