I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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