Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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