my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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