Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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