just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
