Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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