A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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