Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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