Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
