I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
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