I feel like I'm in dance class right now
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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