just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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