apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
