Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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