Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
