the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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