o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
