OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
