Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
