when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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