good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
