Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
