you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't deserve a penis
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
