i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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