I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
