My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
