If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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