I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
