We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
