I faked an abortion last night.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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