I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
