sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
and you fell through a lawn chair
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
