u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
