Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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