Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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