i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
