I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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