i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
