just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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