it wasn't lemon gatorade
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
