I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
