you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
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my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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