She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
it was like eating out sand paper
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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