So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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