No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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