I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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