captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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