based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
