i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
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all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
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My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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