Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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