Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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