Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
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ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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