watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
birth control should be required to get into college
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
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