if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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