i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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