Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
